Unconscious Uncoupling
My husband and I sat quietly in the kitchen of our new home in a place we always dreamt of living discussing our separation. Both of us waiting for the other to start the dreaded conversation; my body stiff and a nauseous, paralyzing ball stuck in my stomach. This wasn’t the first of these talks we had when the kids went to bed, however we both knew the fragility of our situation and the layers of deep hurt we felt for different reasons, yet tried to mask. Our life had become so chaotic, dramatic and disappointing so quickly it was hard to repair the holes as fast as we dug them. We both had good intentions most days and attempted but the efforts weren’t acknowledged or recognized with sincere, genuine love and support from either one of us at the time. The arguments, the distance, the therapists, the pressure, the emptiness, the stories, the assumptions, more pressure, more distance and as I’m sure most couples feel a scenario we didn’t want or expect. The temporary amnesia set in when the emotions get so high we forget about the bond that exists before the tension.
We’d spent many Friday nights years before making pizza in our first, small townhome, no children yet discussing over wine where we’d eventually like to live when our family expanded and we could afford it. Here we were, two young boys, a new house exactly where we hoped to be but a relationship that felt some days like we were coasting in neutral, others like trudging through the thickest mud up to our knees, pitifully trying to connect to one another and maintain our family life. Staying stuck felt far worse than changing what wasn’t working. We eventually had to accept that we had to lay the relationship down and walk away. We were too big for it and couldn’t pour ourselves out any longer, and that’s ok.
This topic has been circling in my thoughts for years now. I’ve started and stopped writing so many times I eventually stepped away from it because I realized it was, for many years, an enormous open wound with a truckload of grief. As time and my mindset progressed my daily life felt so large, scary, grief-stricken, encompassing yet somewhere along the lonely, dark way there is a transition to the most rewarding growth I’ve experienced. A modern family life involves co-parenting, young kids, different relationships, shifts and changes constantly and thats the only consistent part of it. It’s up and its way down. There is nothing that tests two people more than to love one another, fall out of love, breakup their family, and re learn how to piece their own sense of family and life back together in two totally separate yet together ways, all while loving their children as hard as they can. I wasn’t prepared for the empty, rock bottom that this change brought for me but also the opportunity for growth that came after.
I slowly realized that my own strength was going to be tested both as a parent and personally and no one was coming for this victim except myself. The stack of self help books, the endless nights alone, the sadness, the Sunday afternoons driving around mindlessly while everyone had family time, holidays alone or holidays alone with kids, its all a test of flexibility, faith mixed with sadness, loss and frustration. My faith in what was to come was very weak. It took years of breakdowns, therapy, losing people close to me for me to see my lack of responsibility.
A few things Ive learned from my own experience is seeing myself as a victim, using blame and avoiding self reflection only delays the growth. I saw the blame and victimhood as a right of passage. When there was pity I shrugged it off like its no big deal to be a single parent to a child with developmental delays and a two year old, yet I craved the love and attention. Stress, anxiety, fear and isolation all magnify the flight or fight stress response within the nervous system and going through a divorce can feel like waiting every day on a grenade to explode. Not knowing the next disagreement, lawyer call, custody schedule, money issue, it all leads the mind to take control trying to predict outcomes to soften the fear. The fears the mind can conjure up in a divorce or any challenging situation, especially with young children are endless.
What I expected of others I wasn’t providing to myself, on my own terms, nor had I ever allowed myself the chance to when I needed it. Each transition meant stress, frustration and a layer of guilt and shame because I perceived obstacles as sad, frustrating, and an annoyance. My perception, efforts, and resilience are what needed to shift and grow. For me this took years; painful loneliness, detaching from dependency of others, letting go of appearances, releasing the fears of judgments, acknowledging my reactivity and responsibility, giving myself space to work with, discover a passion for personal development and health, and work diligently on maintaining a stable, loving home life for my kids. My divorce led me on a path of awakening a very unconscious self. I now see a light and lesson in each stage of our journey and I know that will continue for myself, my kids and their dad.
Some 8 years after we separated our relationship has grown together and apart multiple times. We’ve learned how to prioritize the boys and ourselves separately. There is a constant ebb and flow of co-parenting with no lack of dedication and love. Not much is stable and consistent when it comes to divorce but without a doubt the perception, the shared experience of watching our kids grow into incredible, happy, content and loving human beings makes a tough situation that much easier. They are flexible, resilient, and aware that everyone’s journey is filled with various challenges. Our willingness to lay down our marriage gave us the strength to build something that fit us better and for that we will all always be grateful.
